The Nature of Selflessness came to my attention just in the nick of time. I have a history of negative thinking and was self indulging in some this past week or so. I have had a negative experience with school in the past and find when I’m trying it at this stage in my life the same feelings and behaviors that I had as a youth come right back to the surface. My pattern was to tune out, get behind, fail and or quit. And then label myself (Identify myself) as inferior, inadequate, and hopeless.
As I read The Nature of Selflessness I recognized this in myself and decided once again that I don’t have to believe my feelings. They are knee jerk habits from the past and if I want to experience new things I’ve got to acknowledge them for just that.
I’ve heard it and learned it all before but it’s very hard to be consistent long enough to break ingrained thoughts and behaviors. Another limited sense of existence I’ve clung to is the fact that I’m a parent. It has been something I’ve prided myself on because it is the only thing I’ve done fairly well (in my estimation) and have not completely failed at. One reason for this is because it’s the only thing I haven’t quit. In so doing I’ve been forced to go against my original ingrained beliefs (inferior, inadequate, and hopeless) in which I’ve identified. The funny thing about this is that I realize in working against one identity I’ve created another (the good parent) I’m sure it’s taken on a dysfunction of it’s own. Needless to say the reading enlightened me once again. I know that when I am open and connected with others, selfless, the opposite of egocentric, when I am humble and just a person among people, things are in order and work without effort. And when I cling to a limited idea of myself, whether positive or negative, I become more isolated and unhappy, and do not experience the freedom and the mystery of life.